Man…hhhmmmm. The only man I truly ever loved from the bottom of my little heart…MY DAD. I only realized that when I was after this guy called Khanna when I was in form 4. Khanna was a typical Indian boy who was intelligent but was into gangsterism. The typical Indian boy that you would see in the Tamil movies. So here I was, the “RICH” girl, liking this Indian boy who came from the other side of the pole. It was when I managed to all my guts to tell him how I felt about him, he turned me down. He said he would not be able to offer me what I wanted. I truly did not know what it meant then, but that was my first rejection. (Coming to think about it, what would he know what I wanted at that time!!..God! Boys, they sometimes think they are old enough to be men.) Many used to ask me what on earth I saw in him, certainly those who saw that we were both from two different worlds. It was that incident that I came to my senses, that I didn’t really like Khanna for who he was but more because he was juts like my dad. Only then did I realize, I was trying to find a replacement, a replacement I knew deep down that I would never ever find.
Along the line, there were many infatuations, crushes, likings flings, and so on. During one phase in my life, I was looking towards older men. It was during my internship in India that I met this man age 32 (I was 21 then(. During my first meet with him, I told myself, if I were to ever marry, I would marry someone just like him. Much later after working with him, did I know that he felt the same way both me, but he was married. Since then, I kept calling him “uncle”, just to remind myself where I stand.
Then in college, there was this Physics Lecturer whom I though was really cute but not many people in college shared the same sentiments. Thank god! Something about him made my heart beat a lot faster and I would become all-silent when he passes me in college. (So the drama, yup..say it) Eventually after some embarrassing moments with him, we started talking and that feeling soon died off. Every time when I am brought back to this memories, I can literally hear my friend commenting “Darshini, please lah, that lecturer is married. Why don’t you give yourself another 5 years before you choose your man” – Yeah, 5 years down the line, and I would probably be falling for someone’s grandfather!
My third encounter with an older man, was certainly the most “treasured”. During my final year in college, I was given an advertisement to do as part of my assignment, for someone who has no patience whatsoever for the stupid box machine (computer) that made mankind lazy, I was finding it difficult to do the assignment. I had great ideas, but I could not do it on the computer. So then I decided that I would pay someone to do my assignment for me. I truly didn’t think it was a sin, because it was my idea and someone would only be helping me with the technical part of it. So of I went strolling down the streets of Subang Jaya, SS15 with my friend, Kizzy in search of a graphic designer. Kizzy and I were looking for a particular graphic designer that we once came across, but we lost patience trying to find his office.
Of we went to the next available one. The minute I saw the graphic designer, whom I would like to call Malady, I went …wow..not bad. So, after Kizzy left, there e were, just the two of us. Malady and I working together to complete my assignment. After that assignment was done, there was no reason of going into his office. But I couldn’t let that stop me. I can resist everything except temptations. So off I went in search for more assignments for him to do. Then I go another assignment, and I met him again. I tried getting his number – “is there any way that I could get in touch with you if there needs to be any changes or should I just find you here?”- To which he said “Oh! Just find me here”- Stupid boy!! I want your number lah…what’s wrong with you??? Not gay. I hope.
When the assignment was over, I couldn’t think of another. But fortunately there was this project I had, The Snatch Theft Prevention Campaign. I managed to get the graphic designing and printing contract of the campaign to malady. Just as our meets became often so did our phone calls and sms-es. During one of our official meets, as we were talking I came to know that Malady was not the 27 year old that I thought he was. Malays was 33, 10 years and 11 months older than me. How interesting! That you god! Now why don’t you add that he is married and has 5 kids?? That’s all I needed to hear to start the aloofness to expand between us.
I was too scared to find out if he was married and had kids. The number 33 was bad enough. During the tiny detachment, along came Vinod. Smart, great sense of humor and for one MY age, the complete male version of me. I still don’t know the reasons why,but we decided to work things out together and Vinod was aware of Malady. I still thought of him (Malady) thought of all my official meets. When I paid the final payment to Malady, he asked me out (Dumb, what took you so long) since then, the short meets became lunches then grew into dinners and crossed into late night outings with his friends. Certainly all this happened with Vinod’s knowledge. I don’t really know how he tolerated it but he would always say “Yeah, don’t worry”. Not that I would worry otherwise because I truly believed hat since was not married to this man, I could still do what I wished. If you call it 2-timing, so be it.
Confusion made its grad appearance in my head and over ruled my actions. I felt squashed between the past of my little adventures with Malady and the smudges of my present future with Vinod. For the first time, men made me suffocate. I was not like I could flip a coin to solve confusion. Let’s try …HEAD – Vinod, 22. Just like me, book of Knowledge and had things in common to talk about. TAIL – Malady, 33, a graphic designer with a CAR. It’s not working. I can’t deny that Malady was security in many ways. I mean come on girls, let’s reveal the marvelous fact – money and material goods do make us secure with a man. They need to come in this package. The package that has been designed and upgraded from generation to generation. It probably no longer matter about the intellects of the man, but it’s all about if he’s got a job, preferably within the DLE qualifications (Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer) money, car and house.
Drowning in the middle of the Confusion Ocean, I left to the UK. I thank god that it happened. The distance taught me a lot. I then began to see that it was lust that I had for Malady, because I missed his touches, missed sitting next to him but never missed his voice or our conversation for he hardly had anything smart to say. He said it best when he said nothing at all. All we talked about during out meets was nothing but ourselves. It was tiring me out but being with him and touching him paid it off.
An overheard-but-never-taken-into-consideration rule: when you choose a companion or a partner for yourself, find someone who is more than just a lover, a friend. It’s the lust that would die off sooner than your realize it, while friendship in the relationship lingers on.
A fortune teller did once tell me that I will be between two men and I should choose the wiser one, I don’t know if he meant wiser in terms of age or wiser in terms of mentality, but if it’s mentality, I think I choose the right one. I stayed on…with Vinod. Some men are wise while some are otherwise. I am happy and have never been happier and he is certainly not a replacement of my dad and I’m sure about that. I remember a college friend wrote in my book “I only hope that you will learn that true meaning of life is found not on fleeting success and momentary fame, but in love which is eternal. Relationship is stuff that life is made of”.
Well I think I know what it means now. It’s such a wonderful feeling to know that somebody back home is waiting for you with arms wide open. And to know that this is the person you want to build all you future dreams with, it’s an unexplainable feeling. To love somebody deeply, gives you the strength, being in love with somebody gives you the courage – Lao Tzu
I’m not regretting what happened between Malady and I, as I would like to see it as a win-win situation. I’m not quite sure what he gained from me. All I know was during the period; I used his car whenever I wanted (even used his car to meet up with Vinod) had all the free lunches, dinner and not forgetting the top-ups for my mobile. What more can a girl ask for?? It was the best deal anybody can get even from the Malaysian Shopping Carnivals. I always thought that I am a man in a woman’s body and I would like to live in that believe. I’ve got ego as big as a man’s. I would never tell a person how I feel about them. My pride and ego is something I will never compromise. I’m a true Capricorn, a stubborn Capricorn. So don’t blame me.
Along the line, there were many infatuations, crushes, likings flings, and so on. During one phase in my life, I was looking towards older men. It was during my internship in India that I met this man age 32 (I was 21 then(. During my first meet with him, I told myself, if I were to ever marry, I would marry someone just like him. Much later after working with him, did I know that he felt the same way both me, but he was married. Since then, I kept calling him “uncle”, just to remind myself where I stand.
Then in college, there was this Physics Lecturer whom I though was really cute but not many people in college shared the same sentiments. Thank god! Something about him made my heart beat a lot faster and I would become all-silent when he passes me in college. (So the drama, yup..say it) Eventually after some embarrassing moments with him, we started talking and that feeling soon died off. Every time when I am brought back to this memories, I can literally hear my friend commenting “Darshini, please lah, that lecturer is married. Why don’t you give yourself another 5 years before you choose your man” – Yeah, 5 years down the line, and I would probably be falling for someone’s grandfather!
My third encounter with an older man, was certainly the most “treasured”. During my final year in college, I was given an advertisement to do as part of my assignment, for someone who has no patience whatsoever for the stupid box machine (computer) that made mankind lazy, I was finding it difficult to do the assignment. I had great ideas, but I could not do it on the computer. So then I decided that I would pay someone to do my assignment for me. I truly didn’t think it was a sin, because it was my idea and someone would only be helping me with the technical part of it. So of I went strolling down the streets of Subang Jaya, SS15 with my friend, Kizzy in search of a graphic designer. Kizzy and I were looking for a particular graphic designer that we once came across, but we lost patience trying to find his office.
Of we went to the next available one. The minute I saw the graphic designer, whom I would like to call Malady, I went …wow..not bad. So, after Kizzy left, there e were, just the two of us. Malady and I working together to complete my assignment. After that assignment was done, there was no reason of going into his office. But I couldn’t let that stop me. I can resist everything except temptations. So off I went in search for more assignments for him to do. Then I go another assignment, and I met him again. I tried getting his number – “is there any way that I could get in touch with you if there needs to be any changes or should I just find you here?”- To which he said “Oh! Just find me here”- Stupid boy!! I want your number lah…what’s wrong with you??? Not gay. I hope.
When the assignment was over, I couldn’t think of another. But fortunately there was this project I had, The Snatch Theft Prevention Campaign. I managed to get the graphic designing and printing contract of the campaign to malady. Just as our meets became often so did our phone calls and sms-es. During one of our official meets, as we were talking I came to know that Malady was not the 27 year old that I thought he was. Malays was 33, 10 years and 11 months older than me. How interesting! That you god! Now why don’t you add that he is married and has 5 kids?? That’s all I needed to hear to start the aloofness to expand between us.
I was too scared to find out if he was married and had kids. The number 33 was bad enough. During the tiny detachment, along came Vinod. Smart, great sense of humor and for one MY age, the complete male version of me. I still don’t know the reasons why,but we decided to work things out together and Vinod was aware of Malady. I still thought of him (Malady) thought of all my official meets. When I paid the final payment to Malady, he asked me out (Dumb, what took you so long) since then, the short meets became lunches then grew into dinners and crossed into late night outings with his friends. Certainly all this happened with Vinod’s knowledge. I don’t really know how he tolerated it but he would always say “Yeah, don’t worry”. Not that I would worry otherwise because I truly believed hat since was not married to this man, I could still do what I wished. If you call it 2-timing, so be it.
Confusion made its grad appearance in my head and over ruled my actions. I felt squashed between the past of my little adventures with Malady and the smudges of my present future with Vinod. For the first time, men made me suffocate. I was not like I could flip a coin to solve confusion. Let’s try …HEAD – Vinod, 22. Just like me, book of Knowledge and had things in common to talk about. TAIL – Malady, 33, a graphic designer with a CAR. It’s not working. I can’t deny that Malady was security in many ways. I mean come on girls, let’s reveal the marvelous fact – money and material goods do make us secure with a man. They need to come in this package. The package that has been designed and upgraded from generation to generation. It probably no longer matter about the intellects of the man, but it’s all about if he’s got a job, preferably within the DLE qualifications (Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer) money, car and house.
Drowning in the middle of the Confusion Ocean, I left to the UK. I thank god that it happened. The distance taught me a lot. I then began to see that it was lust that I had for Malady, because I missed his touches, missed sitting next to him but never missed his voice or our conversation for he hardly had anything smart to say. He said it best when he said nothing at all. All we talked about during out meets was nothing but ourselves. It was tiring me out but being with him and touching him paid it off.
An overheard-but-never-taken-into-consideration rule: when you choose a companion or a partner for yourself, find someone who is more than just a lover, a friend. It’s the lust that would die off sooner than your realize it, while friendship in the relationship lingers on.
A fortune teller did once tell me that I will be between two men and I should choose the wiser one, I don’t know if he meant wiser in terms of age or wiser in terms of mentality, but if it’s mentality, I think I choose the right one. I stayed on…with Vinod. Some men are wise while some are otherwise. I am happy and have never been happier and he is certainly not a replacement of my dad and I’m sure about that. I remember a college friend wrote in my book “I only hope that you will learn that true meaning of life is found not on fleeting success and momentary fame, but in love which is eternal. Relationship is stuff that life is made of”.
Well I think I know what it means now. It’s such a wonderful feeling to know that somebody back home is waiting for you with arms wide open. And to know that this is the person you want to build all you future dreams with, it’s an unexplainable feeling. To love somebody deeply, gives you the strength, being in love with somebody gives you the courage – Lao Tzu
I’m not regretting what happened between Malady and I, as I would like to see it as a win-win situation. I’m not quite sure what he gained from me. All I know was during the period; I used his car whenever I wanted (even used his car to meet up with Vinod) had all the free lunches, dinner and not forgetting the top-ups for my mobile. What more can a girl ask for?? It was the best deal anybody can get even from the Malaysian Shopping Carnivals. I always thought that I am a man in a woman’s body and I would like to live in that believe. I’ve got ego as big as a man’s. I would never tell a person how I feel about them. My pride and ego is something I will never compromise. I’m a true Capricorn, a stubborn Capricorn. So don’t blame me.
p:s : I wrote this piece when I was close to dying points in the UK. Then writing was my only sanity!
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