Yup....I know the women species are gonna hate me big time on this one....but, please, before you draw any conclusions from the heading (Like, Darsh, I think you might be gay...at all that jazz) read on...and I bet you will agree with me.
1) When a friend comes over to tell us their problem that they have been telling us for the past 6 months, and we are tired of hearing it, we say...."OHHHHH...poor you!" but deep down we are like "really, can't you find someone else...I am sick and tired of this !!"
2) Man don't call, we draw up millions of conclusions, some out of vengeance, some out of compassion and some mere excuses...but when he eventually calls, from vengeance, we become all nice and sweet...from compassion, we become all cold...and from the mere excuses we came up for their actions, we pretend like their silence had no impact on us whatsoever...
3) We are so darn good in giving advises...but we hardly practice them!!
4) We plan to buy something and we get everybody's opinion on it. Don't even know why we bother to ask for opinion, coz when the opinions are negative, we buy it anyway...then we have a book full of reasons for our actions ...like bullets for those who had all the negative opinions.
me got to get back to work...so kindda need to stop here...
men, if you are reading this and having a good laugh, thinking - this is so typical of the women species...then please read again....believe me when I say this, both men and women are the same..really they are..I know this man for sometime now, and I can honestly say, he is very much like a woman...draws up conclusions before reading the whole sms and many more...the list goes on and on..we women probably make use of our thinking caps far more than men...that's probably the only slight difference...But, ladies, the thinking caps need to come off...really..
to be continued...stay tuned!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
The Signs of Maturity??
Driving to work today, got me thinking of how things have changed over the years, me, people around me, situation and circumstances!!! Signs of maturity?? I am not sure...but let battle it out
1) when the phone rings..I remember how my sister and I used to run to the phone. It was like a marathon, who gets to it first. Now, we just let it rings and see who gets to it eventually - Signs of Maturity / Signs of "I can't care less"?
2) My phone bills used to be a rising 4 digits...now, it's 2 digits, some days there isn't any calls made!! Signs of Maturity / Signs of lesser friends??
3) Those days when I drive and nearly met with an accident, all those "flowery" words comes out of my mouth, now, I look up at the driver and smile and thank god for the narrow sweet escape - Signs of Maturity / Signs of "I-can-now-afford-my-own-damages??
4) When I'm pissed off, I used to bang the door, rant and rave and make sure the whole world knows my problem..now, I cry in silence, and rant and rave in silence or just smile and say, everything happens for a reason - Signs of Maturity / Signs of insanity??
5) When I have the time at nite, I used to ensure that it was well wasted to wee hours in the morning...now, I love the whole idea about staying at home during the weekends and I sometimes feel real down when Sunday is over and I did too much over the weekends and left no time to myself - Signs of Maturity / Signs of selfishness??
6) I used to love company, so much so in college, I made sure there would be somebody with me when I got to the toilet...now, I await for the time to be by myself - Signs of Maturity / Signs of selfishness??
7) When people used to ridicule me, I used to get really upset...now, I can't be arsed. In fact feel sorry for them to know that I'm their spice in life - Signs of Maturity / Signs of I-couldn't-be-bothered??
8) Matters with regards to men - Those days when things go sour between us, I used to delete them from my memory, phonebook and all their traces will be vanished..Friends after the sour turmoil? dream on!!...Now, things go sour, i just laugh and cry, coz I so called it upon myself - Signs of Maturity / Signs of Stupidity??
9) When things are not right and I need help, I used to run to my parents for help...now, i find help within myself - Signs of Maturity / Signs of huge-ass-ego??
10) Enter a party, I used to make sure everybody knows I'm here...now, I try to sneak from the back, try a silent entrance, but that always fails - Signs of Maturity / Signs of Shyness??
Hmmmmmm.....something to think about.. but rite now...with all this writing and what's going around here at work...it's definitely SIGNS OF INSANITY!!!
1) when the phone rings..I remember how my sister and I used to run to the phone. It was like a marathon, who gets to it first. Now, we just let it rings and see who gets to it eventually - Signs of Maturity / Signs of "I can't care less"?
2) My phone bills used to be a rising 4 digits...now, it's 2 digits, some days there isn't any calls made!! Signs of Maturity / Signs of lesser friends??
3) Those days when I drive and nearly met with an accident, all those "flowery" words comes out of my mouth, now, I look up at the driver and smile and thank god for the narrow sweet escape - Signs of Maturity / Signs of "I-can-now-afford-my-own-damages??
4) When I'm pissed off, I used to bang the door, rant and rave and make sure the whole world knows my problem..now, I cry in silence, and rant and rave in silence or just smile and say, everything happens for a reason - Signs of Maturity / Signs of insanity??
5) When I have the time at nite, I used to ensure that it was well wasted to wee hours in the morning...now, I love the whole idea about staying at home during the weekends and I sometimes feel real down when Sunday is over and I did too much over the weekends and left no time to myself - Signs of Maturity / Signs of selfishness??
6) I used to love company, so much so in college, I made sure there would be somebody with me when I got to the toilet...now, I await for the time to be by myself - Signs of Maturity / Signs of selfishness??
7) When people used to ridicule me, I used to get really upset...now, I can't be arsed. In fact feel sorry for them to know that I'm their spice in life - Signs of Maturity / Signs of I-couldn't-be-bothered??
8) Matters with regards to men - Those days when things go sour between us, I used to delete them from my memory, phonebook and all their traces will be vanished..Friends after the sour turmoil? dream on!!...Now, things go sour, i just laugh and cry, coz I so called it upon myself - Signs of Maturity / Signs of Stupidity??
9) When things are not right and I need help, I used to run to my parents for help...now, i find help within myself - Signs of Maturity / Signs of huge-ass-ego??
10) Enter a party, I used to make sure everybody knows I'm here...now, I try to sneak from the back, try a silent entrance, but that always fails - Signs of Maturity / Signs of Shyness??
Hmmmmmm.....something to think about.. but rite now...with all this writing and what's going around here at work...it's definitely SIGNS OF INSANITY!!!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Out Cry of a Post Graduate
Last day at college and I probably had the biggest smile. At the thought of just completing 4 years of college life was such a relief. I’ve done it. My degree, for my mum.
Now I’ll just have to join the other world. The working world. The 9-5 job, where everybody looks cool all dressed uo, going to their interesting 9-5 job doing something they all like. Well, it looked like that to me. So I though when college was done and over with, that 9-5 job will land on your lap. I mean, who wouldn’t want you, a fresh graduate with all that theories, definition and textbook intelligence. I couldn’t wait, to share my “knowledge”. But I knew I was going to do it in style. I was going to the UK. Somehow, the land of our once-upon-time-ruler just seems greater. They ruled out country and now, they have rules our minds.
It was easy, I tell you. Going to the UK was not easy. The visa was one, the cash was the other and the fear wrapped it all. Walking into the British High Commission was like visiting a friend in jail with all the tight security. (Not that I’ve experienced visiting anyone in prison, I’ve never been to one, but I’m sure it looks like it does in the movies) I joined a group of 30 odd anxious people waiting to be called in the visa office. As my eyes went wondering around, it got me thinking. What is it about this country (UK) that everybody wants to step foot into. What happened to our own land? Has it turned its back on us? Or are we just plain blind that we cannot see what our very own nation can provide us? Why grow up in one country, live you whole childhood and the suddenly when you have all that your own country has given you, like education and childhood memoirs, we go live out life and make our bread in another land? Well, if everybody just seems to want to go to the UK, there is probably something they can offer that our very own nation can’t. Just got to go and find out ourselves, isn’t it? Maybe that’s what people did and got their 9-5 job tailored made for them.
In I went, and when they called my name (Ms Govindaraju), I took me three calls to realize that they were referring to me. I jumped out of my seat. That was the very first time I was referred to as Ms Govindaraju. He did a good job as white man saying my “mouthful” name. I approached the counter with the hope that I would not be sent home like the other without a positive reply or my passport.
“What do you want to do in the UK?” – asked this gorgeous blue eyed officer. At the thought that I would see more of this in the UK, it got me wandering. Suddenly forgetting how to structure a sentence, I couldn’t think straight. After regaining my conscious – Öh, I want to be able to work and see the country. Not been to that part of the world and I really want to see it”
“So that all you want to do?”- with blue eyes staring deep into me.
“YES”I said, with the confidence at the same time trying not to get hypnotized by thise eyes.
“Where do you want to go in the UK?”- he said as he was running his fingers through the pages in my file.
Okay, a test to my geography knowledge. I just rattled as much of places that I could think of in the UK, places my mum always spoke about when she was in the UK. Along the list, I suddenly mentioned “Adelaide”(OH Shit! What sis I just do?) Looked up at him and said Öh! Ya, that’s in Australia. Right? Ya!”
“How can I believe you?”- What kind of question is that? What am I suppose to say? Say how much I don’t really know what I’m doing here in the first place? Do I tell him the truth? Truth that I’m just doing what my mother wants me to do? Truth – I’m confused! No, I cant…that’s not me. I may be all this inside, but to the world, I’m perfect. I know what I’m doing and it’s always the best. So by hook or crook, I’m going to the UK. Just ignore all these confusion spice and just get the damn visa, I’ll fix the rest later.
I leaned forward, looked at him and said ”because I really really want to go and I know I will be back in 2 years, just like the permit says. So please give me the opportunity”. Thinking about it now, I think I was begging him but not down on my knew. When my name was called again, I hurried to the counter, chanting my mantras in my head. I met this Muslim lady with excellent English accent, “Your permit just got approved, so could you come back tomorrow to pick up your passport?”- Just then she saw the glitter in my eyes, the glow in my face and gave me the you-deserve-it smile. I walked out of the British High Commission with the glow, glitter and the smile like it was a permanent feature on my face. Off I will go to the ruler’s land, job opportunities will be falling onto my lap and there I will have the tailored made 9-5 job just like everybody else. So I thought, as easy as ABC.
It’s funny coming to think of it, how we were brought up. After primary school, it’s secondary then it’s college then university and work. No questions. That’s the life pattern and everybody goes through that. But what is in between all that, nobody tell you. The struggle to get into the next phase in life, nobody warns you. From the outside it looks like a smooth journey and I so badly couldn’t wait to do that journey.
Everything in the UK took me by surprised. Most of all, the journey to find that tailored made 9-5 job, I was flabbergasted. There is not such things as a tailored made job, the job is never tailored made for you, you tailor make yourself for the job. There is never a job suitable for you but you make yourself suitable for the job. And certainly nobody in the working world wants you to share your textbook intelligence, they want you diligence. It’s a dog eat dog world out there. You will just have to shape up or you will find yourself shipped out. And it doesn’t make any difference if you are in another land.
Now I’ll just have to join the other world. The working world. The 9-5 job, where everybody looks cool all dressed uo, going to their interesting 9-5 job doing something they all like. Well, it looked like that to me. So I though when college was done and over with, that 9-5 job will land on your lap. I mean, who wouldn’t want you, a fresh graduate with all that theories, definition and textbook intelligence. I couldn’t wait, to share my “knowledge”. But I knew I was going to do it in style. I was going to the UK. Somehow, the land of our once-upon-time-ruler just seems greater. They ruled out country and now, they have rules our minds.
It was easy, I tell you. Going to the UK was not easy. The visa was one, the cash was the other and the fear wrapped it all. Walking into the British High Commission was like visiting a friend in jail with all the tight security. (Not that I’ve experienced visiting anyone in prison, I’ve never been to one, but I’m sure it looks like it does in the movies) I joined a group of 30 odd anxious people waiting to be called in the visa office. As my eyes went wondering around, it got me thinking. What is it about this country (UK) that everybody wants to step foot into. What happened to our own land? Has it turned its back on us? Or are we just plain blind that we cannot see what our very own nation can provide us? Why grow up in one country, live you whole childhood and the suddenly when you have all that your own country has given you, like education and childhood memoirs, we go live out life and make our bread in another land? Well, if everybody just seems to want to go to the UK, there is probably something they can offer that our very own nation can’t. Just got to go and find out ourselves, isn’t it? Maybe that’s what people did and got their 9-5 job tailored made for them.
In I went, and when they called my name (Ms Govindaraju), I took me three calls to realize that they were referring to me. I jumped out of my seat. That was the very first time I was referred to as Ms Govindaraju. He did a good job as white man saying my “mouthful” name. I approached the counter with the hope that I would not be sent home like the other without a positive reply or my passport.
“What do you want to do in the UK?” – asked this gorgeous blue eyed officer. At the thought that I would see more of this in the UK, it got me wandering. Suddenly forgetting how to structure a sentence, I couldn’t think straight. After regaining my conscious – Öh, I want to be able to work and see the country. Not been to that part of the world and I really want to see it”
“So that all you want to do?”- with blue eyes staring deep into me.
“YES”I said, with the confidence at the same time trying not to get hypnotized by thise eyes.
“Where do you want to go in the UK?”- he said as he was running his fingers through the pages in my file.
Okay, a test to my geography knowledge. I just rattled as much of places that I could think of in the UK, places my mum always spoke about when she was in the UK. Along the list, I suddenly mentioned “Adelaide”(OH Shit! What sis I just do?) Looked up at him and said Öh! Ya, that’s in Australia. Right? Ya!”
“How can I believe you?”- What kind of question is that? What am I suppose to say? Say how much I don’t really know what I’m doing here in the first place? Do I tell him the truth? Truth that I’m just doing what my mother wants me to do? Truth – I’m confused! No, I cant…that’s not me. I may be all this inside, but to the world, I’m perfect. I know what I’m doing and it’s always the best. So by hook or crook, I’m going to the UK. Just ignore all these confusion spice and just get the damn visa, I’ll fix the rest later.
I leaned forward, looked at him and said ”because I really really want to go and I know I will be back in 2 years, just like the permit says. So please give me the opportunity”. Thinking about it now, I think I was begging him but not down on my knew. When my name was called again, I hurried to the counter, chanting my mantras in my head. I met this Muslim lady with excellent English accent, “Your permit just got approved, so could you come back tomorrow to pick up your passport?”- Just then she saw the glitter in my eyes, the glow in my face and gave me the you-deserve-it smile. I walked out of the British High Commission with the glow, glitter and the smile like it was a permanent feature on my face. Off I will go to the ruler’s land, job opportunities will be falling onto my lap and there I will have the tailored made 9-5 job just like everybody else. So I thought, as easy as ABC.
It’s funny coming to think of it, how we were brought up. After primary school, it’s secondary then it’s college then university and work. No questions. That’s the life pattern and everybody goes through that. But what is in between all that, nobody tell you. The struggle to get into the next phase in life, nobody warns you. From the outside it looks like a smooth journey and I so badly couldn’t wait to do that journey.
Everything in the UK took me by surprised. Most of all, the journey to find that tailored made 9-5 job, I was flabbergasted. There is not such things as a tailored made job, the job is never tailored made for you, you tailor make yourself for the job. There is never a job suitable for you but you make yourself suitable for the job. And certainly nobody in the working world wants you to share your textbook intelligence, they want you diligence. It’s a dog eat dog world out there. You will just have to shape up or you will find yourself shipped out. And it doesn’t make any difference if you are in another land.
Friday, August 10, 2007
For those with - It's Complicated - in their Friendster status..this one is for you!!
Oprah's View on Men
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you
can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better."You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you
can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better."You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knowwhere you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
Ps: Thanks Mama Mel!! We need that knocking in our heads, sometimes...love ya
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Sandwich Between Men
Man…hhhmmmm. The only man I truly ever loved from the bottom of my little heart…MY DAD. I only realized that when I was after this guy called Khanna when I was in form 4. Khanna was a typical Indian boy who was intelligent but was into gangsterism. The typical Indian boy that you would see in the Tamil movies. So here I was, the “RICH” girl, liking this Indian boy who came from the other side of the pole. It was when I managed to all my guts to tell him how I felt about him, he turned me down. He said he would not be able to offer me what I wanted. I truly did not know what it meant then, but that was my first rejection. (Coming to think about it, what would he know what I wanted at that time!!..God! Boys, they sometimes think they are old enough to be men.) Many used to ask me what on earth I saw in him, certainly those who saw that we were both from two different worlds. It was that incident that I came to my senses, that I didn’t really like Khanna for who he was but more because he was juts like my dad. Only then did I realize, I was trying to find a replacement, a replacement I knew deep down that I would never ever find.
Along the line, there were many infatuations, crushes, likings flings, and so on. During one phase in my life, I was looking towards older men. It was during my internship in India that I met this man age 32 (I was 21 then(. During my first meet with him, I told myself, if I were to ever marry, I would marry someone just like him. Much later after working with him, did I know that he felt the same way both me, but he was married. Since then, I kept calling him “uncle”, just to remind myself where I stand.
Then in college, there was this Physics Lecturer whom I though was really cute but not many people in college shared the same sentiments. Thank god! Something about him made my heart beat a lot faster and I would become all-silent when he passes me in college. (So the drama, yup..say it) Eventually after some embarrassing moments with him, we started talking and that feeling soon died off. Every time when I am brought back to this memories, I can literally hear my friend commenting “Darshini, please lah, that lecturer is married. Why don’t you give yourself another 5 years before you choose your man” – Yeah, 5 years down the line, and I would probably be falling for someone’s grandfather!
My third encounter with an older man, was certainly the most “treasured”. During my final year in college, I was given an advertisement to do as part of my assignment, for someone who has no patience whatsoever for the stupid box machine (computer) that made mankind lazy, I was finding it difficult to do the assignment. I had great ideas, but I could not do it on the computer. So then I decided that I would pay someone to do my assignment for me. I truly didn’t think it was a sin, because it was my idea and someone would only be helping me with the technical part of it. So of I went strolling down the streets of Subang Jaya, SS15 with my friend, Kizzy in search of a graphic designer. Kizzy and I were looking for a particular graphic designer that we once came across, but we lost patience trying to find his office.
Of we went to the next available one. The minute I saw the graphic designer, whom I would like to call Malady, I went …wow..not bad. So, after Kizzy left, there e were, just the two of us. Malady and I working together to complete my assignment. After that assignment was done, there was no reason of going into his office. But I couldn’t let that stop me. I can resist everything except temptations. So off I went in search for more assignments for him to do. Then I go another assignment, and I met him again. I tried getting his number – “is there any way that I could get in touch with you if there needs to be any changes or should I just find you here?”- To which he said “Oh! Just find me here”- Stupid boy!! I want your number lah…what’s wrong with you??? Not gay. I hope.
When the assignment was over, I couldn’t think of another. But fortunately there was this project I had, The Snatch Theft Prevention Campaign. I managed to get the graphic designing and printing contract of the campaign to malady. Just as our meets became often so did our phone calls and sms-es. During one of our official meets, as we were talking I came to know that Malady was not the 27 year old that I thought he was. Malays was 33, 10 years and 11 months older than me. How interesting! That you god! Now why don’t you add that he is married and has 5 kids?? That’s all I needed to hear to start the aloofness to expand between us.
I was too scared to find out if he was married and had kids. The number 33 was bad enough. During the tiny detachment, along came Vinod. Smart, great sense of humor and for one MY age, the complete male version of me. I still don’t know the reasons why,but we decided to work things out together and Vinod was aware of Malady. I still thought of him (Malady) thought of all my official meets. When I paid the final payment to Malady, he asked me out (Dumb, what took you so long) since then, the short meets became lunches then grew into dinners and crossed into late night outings with his friends. Certainly all this happened with Vinod’s knowledge. I don’t really know how he tolerated it but he would always say “Yeah, don’t worry”. Not that I would worry otherwise because I truly believed hat since was not married to this man, I could still do what I wished. If you call it 2-timing, so be it.
Confusion made its grad appearance in my head and over ruled my actions. I felt squashed between the past of my little adventures with Malady and the smudges of my present future with Vinod. For the first time, men made me suffocate. I was not like I could flip a coin to solve confusion. Let’s try …HEAD – Vinod, 22. Just like me, book of Knowledge and had things in common to talk about. TAIL – Malady, 33, a graphic designer with a CAR. It’s not working. I can’t deny that Malady was security in many ways. I mean come on girls, let’s reveal the marvelous fact – money and material goods do make us secure with a man. They need to come in this package. The package that has been designed and upgraded from generation to generation. It probably no longer matter about the intellects of the man, but it’s all about if he’s got a job, preferably within the DLE qualifications (Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer) money, car and house.
Drowning in the middle of the Confusion Ocean, I left to the UK. I thank god that it happened. The distance taught me a lot. I then began to see that it was lust that I had for Malady, because I missed his touches, missed sitting next to him but never missed his voice or our conversation for he hardly had anything smart to say. He said it best when he said nothing at all. All we talked about during out meets was nothing but ourselves. It was tiring me out but being with him and touching him paid it off.
An overheard-but-never-taken-into-consideration rule: when you choose a companion or a partner for yourself, find someone who is more than just a lover, a friend. It’s the lust that would die off sooner than your realize it, while friendship in the relationship lingers on.
A fortune teller did once tell me that I will be between two men and I should choose the wiser one, I don’t know if he meant wiser in terms of age or wiser in terms of mentality, but if it’s mentality, I think I choose the right one. I stayed on…with Vinod. Some men are wise while some are otherwise. I am happy and have never been happier and he is certainly not a replacement of my dad and I’m sure about that. I remember a college friend wrote in my book “I only hope that you will learn that true meaning of life is found not on fleeting success and momentary fame, but in love which is eternal. Relationship is stuff that life is made of”.
Well I think I know what it means now. It’s such a wonderful feeling to know that somebody back home is waiting for you with arms wide open. And to know that this is the person you want to build all you future dreams with, it’s an unexplainable feeling. To love somebody deeply, gives you the strength, being in love with somebody gives you the courage – Lao Tzu
I’m not regretting what happened between Malady and I, as I would like to see it as a win-win situation. I’m not quite sure what he gained from me. All I know was during the period; I used his car whenever I wanted (even used his car to meet up with Vinod) had all the free lunches, dinner and not forgetting the top-ups for my mobile. What more can a girl ask for?? It was the best deal anybody can get even from the Malaysian Shopping Carnivals. I always thought that I am a man in a woman’s body and I would like to live in that believe. I’ve got ego as big as a man’s. I would never tell a person how I feel about them. My pride and ego is something I will never compromise. I’m a true Capricorn, a stubborn Capricorn. So don’t blame me.
Along the line, there were many infatuations, crushes, likings flings, and so on. During one phase in my life, I was looking towards older men. It was during my internship in India that I met this man age 32 (I was 21 then(. During my first meet with him, I told myself, if I were to ever marry, I would marry someone just like him. Much later after working with him, did I know that he felt the same way both me, but he was married. Since then, I kept calling him “uncle”, just to remind myself where I stand.
Then in college, there was this Physics Lecturer whom I though was really cute but not many people in college shared the same sentiments. Thank god! Something about him made my heart beat a lot faster and I would become all-silent when he passes me in college. (So the drama, yup..say it) Eventually after some embarrassing moments with him, we started talking and that feeling soon died off. Every time when I am brought back to this memories, I can literally hear my friend commenting “Darshini, please lah, that lecturer is married. Why don’t you give yourself another 5 years before you choose your man” – Yeah, 5 years down the line, and I would probably be falling for someone’s grandfather!
My third encounter with an older man, was certainly the most “treasured”. During my final year in college, I was given an advertisement to do as part of my assignment, for someone who has no patience whatsoever for the stupid box machine (computer) that made mankind lazy, I was finding it difficult to do the assignment. I had great ideas, but I could not do it on the computer. So then I decided that I would pay someone to do my assignment for me. I truly didn’t think it was a sin, because it was my idea and someone would only be helping me with the technical part of it. So of I went strolling down the streets of Subang Jaya, SS15 with my friend, Kizzy in search of a graphic designer. Kizzy and I were looking for a particular graphic designer that we once came across, but we lost patience trying to find his office.
Of we went to the next available one. The minute I saw the graphic designer, whom I would like to call Malady, I went …wow..not bad. So, after Kizzy left, there e were, just the two of us. Malady and I working together to complete my assignment. After that assignment was done, there was no reason of going into his office. But I couldn’t let that stop me. I can resist everything except temptations. So off I went in search for more assignments for him to do. Then I go another assignment, and I met him again. I tried getting his number – “is there any way that I could get in touch with you if there needs to be any changes or should I just find you here?”- To which he said “Oh! Just find me here”- Stupid boy!! I want your number lah…what’s wrong with you??? Not gay. I hope.
When the assignment was over, I couldn’t think of another. But fortunately there was this project I had, The Snatch Theft Prevention Campaign. I managed to get the graphic designing and printing contract of the campaign to malady. Just as our meets became often so did our phone calls and sms-es. During one of our official meets, as we were talking I came to know that Malady was not the 27 year old that I thought he was. Malays was 33, 10 years and 11 months older than me. How interesting! That you god! Now why don’t you add that he is married and has 5 kids?? That’s all I needed to hear to start the aloofness to expand between us.
I was too scared to find out if he was married and had kids. The number 33 was bad enough. During the tiny detachment, along came Vinod. Smart, great sense of humor and for one MY age, the complete male version of me. I still don’t know the reasons why,but we decided to work things out together and Vinod was aware of Malady. I still thought of him (Malady) thought of all my official meets. When I paid the final payment to Malady, he asked me out (Dumb, what took you so long) since then, the short meets became lunches then grew into dinners and crossed into late night outings with his friends. Certainly all this happened with Vinod’s knowledge. I don’t really know how he tolerated it but he would always say “Yeah, don’t worry”. Not that I would worry otherwise because I truly believed hat since was not married to this man, I could still do what I wished. If you call it 2-timing, so be it.
Confusion made its grad appearance in my head and over ruled my actions. I felt squashed between the past of my little adventures with Malady and the smudges of my present future with Vinod. For the first time, men made me suffocate. I was not like I could flip a coin to solve confusion. Let’s try …HEAD – Vinod, 22. Just like me, book of Knowledge and had things in common to talk about. TAIL – Malady, 33, a graphic designer with a CAR. It’s not working. I can’t deny that Malady was security in many ways. I mean come on girls, let’s reveal the marvelous fact – money and material goods do make us secure with a man. They need to come in this package. The package that has been designed and upgraded from generation to generation. It probably no longer matter about the intellects of the man, but it’s all about if he’s got a job, preferably within the DLE qualifications (Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer) money, car and house.
Drowning in the middle of the Confusion Ocean, I left to the UK. I thank god that it happened. The distance taught me a lot. I then began to see that it was lust that I had for Malady, because I missed his touches, missed sitting next to him but never missed his voice or our conversation for he hardly had anything smart to say. He said it best when he said nothing at all. All we talked about during out meets was nothing but ourselves. It was tiring me out but being with him and touching him paid it off.
An overheard-but-never-taken-into-consideration rule: when you choose a companion or a partner for yourself, find someone who is more than just a lover, a friend. It’s the lust that would die off sooner than your realize it, while friendship in the relationship lingers on.
A fortune teller did once tell me that I will be between two men and I should choose the wiser one, I don’t know if he meant wiser in terms of age or wiser in terms of mentality, but if it’s mentality, I think I choose the right one. I stayed on…with Vinod. Some men are wise while some are otherwise. I am happy and have never been happier and he is certainly not a replacement of my dad and I’m sure about that. I remember a college friend wrote in my book “I only hope that you will learn that true meaning of life is found not on fleeting success and momentary fame, but in love which is eternal. Relationship is stuff that life is made of”.
Well I think I know what it means now. It’s such a wonderful feeling to know that somebody back home is waiting for you with arms wide open. And to know that this is the person you want to build all you future dreams with, it’s an unexplainable feeling. To love somebody deeply, gives you the strength, being in love with somebody gives you the courage – Lao Tzu
I’m not regretting what happened between Malady and I, as I would like to see it as a win-win situation. I’m not quite sure what he gained from me. All I know was during the period; I used his car whenever I wanted (even used his car to meet up with Vinod) had all the free lunches, dinner and not forgetting the top-ups for my mobile. What more can a girl ask for?? It was the best deal anybody can get even from the Malaysian Shopping Carnivals. I always thought that I am a man in a woman’s body and I would like to live in that believe. I’ve got ego as big as a man’s. I would never tell a person how I feel about them. My pride and ego is something I will never compromise. I’m a true Capricorn, a stubborn Capricorn. So don’t blame me.
p:s : I wrote this piece when I was close to dying points in the UK. Then writing was my only sanity!
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