am 24 today and i can't believe it. feels a lot older though. This is the time when i sit and ponder on what I've done and what I've not done. ponder on what i like and what i don't like , but funnily enough, i still don't know what i want. but i sure know what i don't want. I am not quite sure if you know where i am coming from.
coming back to Malaysia recently, made me open my eyes to alot of thing, most of all made me open my eyes to what i really don't want in life. i think it's funny how you never really asked me what i want. i think you knew what it would have been. you keep ending you ms gs, your calls and your occasional letter with 'i love you', I've tried doing the same coz that was the right thing to do at that moment. suddenly it feels like it's being forced out of me.
i know i care for you, but i am not sure if it means love. everytime i try saying it to you, that i wanna break from us, you keep saying that you will wait till i get back. i can't do it. i can't do the long distance, i can't do the obligation.
and i am sorry it took me two years to realise this, two years to gather my guts to admit it. you've always been there for me, but I've not been there for you. do you not think it is unfair?? this whole thing has been bothering me for so long and i just have to put it on email. i know it is not very nice to do, and i know you might be wondering, if she is coming back in march, why can't she tell me then...I don't want you to wait any longer...i am feeling awfully guilty and it's eating me inside. once you get this email, once you are done reading it, please call me if you can.
i know it is unfair to keep you waiting but you never fail to pull me back. please don't ask me what you will need to do to make me change my mind, coz my answer will be nothing. coz you should never change yourself for somebody else. if you realise, i am typing this email on my birthday.. coz i wanna start my life again and find my missing self. (Name), i am scared about doing this but i am more terrified about getting caught lying in this relationship. it is not fair on you and it is not fair on me.
i am sorry. this is the hardest thing for me to do, but i don't wanna live another year lying and trying while the other feels it all.
