am 24 today and i can't believe it. feels a lot older though. This is the time when i sit and ponder on what I've done and what I've not done. ponder on what i like and what i don't like , but funnily enough, i still don't know what i want. but i sure know what i don't want. I am not quite sure if you know where i am coming from.
coming back to Malaysia recently, made me open my eyes to alot of thing, most of all made me open my eyes to what i really don't want in life. i think it's funny how you never really asked me what i want. i think you knew what it would have been. you keep ending you ms gs, your calls and your occasional letter with 'i love you', I've tried doing the same coz that was the right thing to do at that moment. suddenly it feels like it's being forced out of me.
i know i care for you, but i am not sure if it means love. everytime i try saying it to you, that i wanna break from us, you keep saying that you will wait till i get back. i can't do it. i can't do the long distance, i can't do the obligation.
and i am sorry it took me two years to realise this, two years to gather my guts to admit it. you've always been there for me, but I've not been there for you. do you not think it is unfair?? this whole thing has been bothering me for so long and i just have to put it on email. i know it is not very nice to do, and i know you might be wondering, if she is coming back in march, why can't she tell me then...I don't want you to wait any longer...i am feeling awfully guilty and it's eating me inside. once you get this email, once you are done reading it, please call me if you can.
i know it is unfair to keep you waiting but you never fail to pull me back. please don't ask me what you will need to do to make me change my mind, coz my answer will be nothing. coz you should never change yourself for somebody else. if you realise, i am typing this email on my birthday.. coz i wanna start my life again and find my missing self. (Name), i am scared about doing this but i am more terrified about getting caught lying in this relationship. it is not fair on you and it is not fair on me.
i am sorry. this is the hardest thing for me to do, but i don't wanna live another year lying and trying while the other feels it all.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Game Over! She was an escort and she didn't know
This is gonna be a real good story but gonna take my time, so stay tuned!
She always wanted to be an escort. Pretty strange, ain't it?
Do you blame her, she thought she had the flair to be a perfect one. The assest, more so her communication skills, her humor, she thought will make it up against all her other flaws that many saw in her. The after months of "market survey", she found a perfect catch. But like they all say, what's life when there's no spice. She found her spice. She never really regarded him as a client for some reason. He was in a different league (Trully now, he doesn't deserve all that credit). What started of as lust, then diverted into friendship and then into "something". NO Definition. Not even the dictionary could help here.
She would have been fine if all he wanted was to only be a client. but after the 16 months of sweet, sour, bitter, amazing journey (My my, it was a complete melting pot of emotions. the pot kept on boiling until very recently, the fire was way too hot, causing it to over pour), he say "no emotional attachment all these while"...They say, words can be cheap, but this one, was the sharpest of all.
Just that very moment, all her memories with someone she thought who would never be a client, summed up to, You are an escort. Her payment was made in kind.
but she still doesn't understand. A client never cares, never worries, never feels proud, never shares anything with an escort. Or was she wrong?? Well, if he didn't do all that, she would have known that she was in the right job, abding her job description so that she will get her year end bonus, but when all that happened (or so she thought) how can she be the escort. Oh forget it! far too late now. Because he said it, loud and clear. Summed up the journey to one, bitter sweet sentence.
So guess, she deserved the payment. CHEAP SLUT!!
She always wanted to be an escort. Pretty strange, ain't it?
Do you blame her, she thought she had the flair to be a perfect one. The assest, more so her communication skills, her humor, she thought will make it up against all her other flaws that many saw in her. The after months of "market survey", she found a perfect catch. But like they all say, what's life when there's no spice. She found her spice. She never really regarded him as a client for some reason. He was in a different league (Trully now, he doesn't deserve all that credit). What started of as lust, then diverted into friendship and then into "something". NO Definition. Not even the dictionary could help here.
She would have been fine if all he wanted was to only be a client. but after the 16 months of sweet, sour, bitter, amazing journey (My my, it was a complete melting pot of emotions. the pot kept on boiling until very recently, the fire was way too hot, causing it to over pour), he say "no emotional attachment all these while"...They say, words can be cheap, but this one, was the sharpest of all.
Just that very moment, all her memories with someone she thought who would never be a client, summed up to, You are an escort. Her payment was made in kind.
but she still doesn't understand. A client never cares, never worries, never feels proud, never shares anything with an escort. Or was she wrong?? Well, if he didn't do all that, she would have known that she was in the right job, abding her job description so that she will get her year end bonus, but when all that happened (or so she thought) how can she be the escort. Oh forget it! far too late now. Because he said it, loud and clear. Summed up the journey to one, bitter sweet sentence.
So guess, she deserved the payment. CHEAP SLUT!!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Priorities all gone wrong
When I was living out in the UK back in 2004, many Malaysians that I crossed paths with always had a debate with me with regards to the negatives of going back to Malaysia. “What’s the point?? The country (Malaysia) is going to the dogs” – was their constant mantra. I smiled and ignored it, telling myself, what a shame, them allowing the country (UK) that once ruled our land, rule their minds too. It can’t be that bad. Well, I convinced myself that when I get back home (Malaysia) it would be good, real good. I was born here in Malaysia and was brought up there, surely and truly it would be easy.
It is with great shame I write this today after 19 months since I have been back, biting back on my beliefs and understand the warning that came my way from the British minded Malaysians. My reasons are as follows:
But before I allow my emotional side guide me through this letter and list them all for the benefit of resting my case, let me just concluded that it is not easy for a young single lady living in this country on her own.
Please pardon my language throughout this letter as I am sure that I still do have some freedom of speech in this country.
1) Came back to my homeland and left my family back in the UK. My mother pleaded, begged and even threatened me to stay on the British soil. But my patriotism and adamant nature turned itself into a ticket to Malaysia truly Asia. Started my home in a little cozy apartment in KL and needed to register the phone lines, electricity, water and the whole works. Now, this can’t be hard, right? After all, I am Malaysian and I speak the language. So I thought. To cut the long story short, the service I received from Telekoms – a disaster, the information I got from one agent to another in the same company and may I also add, the same building – contradictory, and the after service – Horrendous!!! What good came out of that?? Well, I am a Trainer in a 5 star hotel here in Malaysia and I use this story as a example of bad customer service. Oh thank you, Telekoms. It is right when they say, if you hate a service, you tell 10 other people but not the service provider. But in my case, not only did I tell 10, in total of all the trainings I have done, it’s added up to more than 100 and I also told the service provider, to which I got a RM50 rebate. Oh, please applaud yourselves, Telekoms.
2) During one of my visit to Malaysia (while I was in the UK) I had to renew my driving license. With this whole new innovative technology (so I thought) things would be easier. I must say, the systems in this country, just doesn’t fail to proof its useless existence. It took me in total of 5 hours to renew my driving license. Why?? Well, went to the post office, was told to go to JPJ. Went there and was told because it is all now in the MyKad, I’ll have to go to JPN. Went to JPN and alas! Got it all sorted after 5 hours. All in my MyKad. She (lady behind the counter in JPN) threw away my old driving license (the pink laminated card) and told me now all information is in the MyKad. That’s good, all info in one source. I thought, but boy oh boy, was I wrong yet again. Had to renew my driving license this year and I caught myself in a little verbal battle with the lady at the counter as she has insisted I pay a fine of RM20 for not having that pink laminated card. Why punish me for something your party did in the first place. Ridiculous!! What contradictory information??
3) Today, the pinnacle of it all. The reason I am writing this in the first place. Took a day off from work to sort some car transfer and road tax. Headed to Pusphakom and managed to get the car inspected. Then went to JPN in Wangsa Maju. Totally lost with what to do but had called many to enquire about the forms I need in advance to do the transfer of the name. I remember calling the JPN hotline during work one day, and when I got this lady on line, I asked her all the question I had, even after going through the website, she snapped in Malay. Said that she is spending more then 5 minutes on the phone with me. I asked her if that was a problem and she said, she was told to only spend not more than 5 minutes with one person on the phone. What procedure is that?? Who ever made that?? That got me real irritated. Thanked her (for doing nothing) and called again. After numerous call, conflicting information, surfing the necessary site for clarification, I went to JPJ. Was it a success?? You guess?? NOT… was told that the owner of the car had to be present. What if the owner is not in the country?? Can’t a certified copy of his identification card by a legal lawyer do any good?? Are we kidding, it’s Malaysia. I should have known better. Well, guess another off day from work to sort this, because after all they only operate the same time as my working hours. The number of leaves I have taken from work to sort things like this, really not worth it.
Then I came back, thought to myself, should I have listened to those warning?? I am not one who would whine about something (Ok, maybe sometimes) I preach about “shape up, or ship up”. But how much more do I have to “shape up” when the system works against me. “Ship out” – I am working towards it. But before that, I need to rest me case.
We need to really go back to basics. Instead of wasting all that money in sending the angkasawans to space, building sport complex in England (Oh, God! What is wrong with us)
1) start training the people who work in JPJ, JPN and all governmental offices.
2) Ensure information of any sort, especially the system is easily assessable to many
3) Improve the transportation system – why have all that amazing touch screen machines at the LRT station when it will only take coins??
God! Our priorities are screwed up!!
But we are just to busy spending money at all the wrong places and shutting people up. And this will certainly call for all those rallies happening lately. I was against it, but I now understand their frustration. I decided I will voice out through another way.
What good has come out of all these? Well today, I am a registered voter. Regardless of which country I am in, I will sure make it back to Malaysia (which I am no longer proud to call it home) to cast my vote. And the only justice I can do, is to ensure my kids are not brought up here, till we get the basics right. I am even considering political asylum in another land. (Yup, go ahead and laugh)
Now, can someone please reaffirm this - Priorities all gone wrong??
It is with great shame I write this today after 19 months since I have been back, biting back on my beliefs and understand the warning that came my way from the British minded Malaysians. My reasons are as follows:
But before I allow my emotional side guide me through this letter and list them all for the benefit of resting my case, let me just concluded that it is not easy for a young single lady living in this country on her own.
Please pardon my language throughout this letter as I am sure that I still do have some freedom of speech in this country.
1) Came back to my homeland and left my family back in the UK. My mother pleaded, begged and even threatened me to stay on the British soil. But my patriotism and adamant nature turned itself into a ticket to Malaysia truly Asia. Started my home in a little cozy apartment in KL and needed to register the phone lines, electricity, water and the whole works. Now, this can’t be hard, right? After all, I am Malaysian and I speak the language. So I thought. To cut the long story short, the service I received from Telekoms – a disaster, the information I got from one agent to another in the same company and may I also add, the same building – contradictory, and the after service – Horrendous!!! What good came out of that?? Well, I am a Trainer in a 5 star hotel here in Malaysia and I use this story as a example of bad customer service. Oh thank you, Telekoms. It is right when they say, if you hate a service, you tell 10 other people but not the service provider. But in my case, not only did I tell 10, in total of all the trainings I have done, it’s added up to more than 100 and I also told the service provider, to which I got a RM50 rebate. Oh, please applaud yourselves, Telekoms.
2) During one of my visit to Malaysia (while I was in the UK) I had to renew my driving license. With this whole new innovative technology (so I thought) things would be easier. I must say, the systems in this country, just doesn’t fail to proof its useless existence. It took me in total of 5 hours to renew my driving license. Why?? Well, went to the post office, was told to go to JPJ. Went there and was told because it is all now in the MyKad, I’ll have to go to JPN. Went to JPN and alas! Got it all sorted after 5 hours. All in my MyKad. She (lady behind the counter in JPN) threw away my old driving license (the pink laminated card) and told me now all information is in the MyKad. That’s good, all info in one source. I thought, but boy oh boy, was I wrong yet again. Had to renew my driving license this year and I caught myself in a little verbal battle with the lady at the counter as she has insisted I pay a fine of RM20 for not having that pink laminated card. Why punish me for something your party did in the first place. Ridiculous!! What contradictory information??
3) Today, the pinnacle of it all. The reason I am writing this in the first place. Took a day off from work to sort some car transfer and road tax. Headed to Pusphakom and managed to get the car inspected. Then went to JPN in Wangsa Maju. Totally lost with what to do but had called many to enquire about the forms I need in advance to do the transfer of the name. I remember calling the JPN hotline during work one day, and when I got this lady on line, I asked her all the question I had, even after going through the website, she snapped in Malay. Said that she is spending more then 5 minutes on the phone with me. I asked her if that was a problem and she said, she was told to only spend not more than 5 minutes with one person on the phone. What procedure is that?? Who ever made that?? That got me real irritated. Thanked her (for doing nothing) and called again. After numerous call, conflicting information, surfing the necessary site for clarification, I went to JPJ. Was it a success?? You guess?? NOT… was told that the owner of the car had to be present. What if the owner is not in the country?? Can’t a certified copy of his identification card by a legal lawyer do any good?? Are we kidding, it’s Malaysia. I should have known better. Well, guess another off day from work to sort this, because after all they only operate the same time as my working hours. The number of leaves I have taken from work to sort things like this, really not worth it.
Then I came back, thought to myself, should I have listened to those warning?? I am not one who would whine about something (Ok, maybe sometimes) I preach about “shape up, or ship up”. But how much more do I have to “shape up” when the system works against me. “Ship out” – I am working towards it. But before that, I need to rest me case.
We need to really go back to basics. Instead of wasting all that money in sending the angkasawans to space, building sport complex in England (Oh, God! What is wrong with us)
1) start training the people who work in JPJ, JPN and all governmental offices.
2) Ensure information of any sort, especially the system is easily assessable to many
3) Improve the transportation system – why have all that amazing touch screen machines at the LRT station when it will only take coins??
God! Our priorities are screwed up!!
But we are just to busy spending money at all the wrong places and shutting people up. And this will certainly call for all those rallies happening lately. I was against it, but I now understand their frustration. I decided I will voice out through another way.
What good has come out of all these? Well today, I am a registered voter. Regardless of which country I am in, I will sure make it back to Malaysia (which I am no longer proud to call it home) to cast my vote. And the only justice I can do, is to ensure my kids are not brought up here, till we get the basics right. I am even considering political asylum in another land. (Yup, go ahead and laugh)
Now, can someone please reaffirm this - Priorities all gone wrong??
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Unity Band??
Yes, I bet you have heard about this whole Unity Band thing...Seen the ad, Only god know how much was that whole piece, and heard it on the radio...
Have you been wondering the following;
1) where do I get the band
2) Most important...why now, all that palaver about the unity band..
Now baring in mind that this whole new rather "hypocritical" initiative is brought to you by the government. now, why am i so surprise...read the following of what i got, from all my searching of info from the web.
MIX FM;
Very soon we will all be celebrating an amazing milestone in our country’s history… 50 years of Independence! (I bet they meant, injustice Independence)
Let’s come together and unite for our homeland Malaysia. (So only now, after 50 years we are concern about unity??)
Get hold of the Unity Band and wear it proudly!
Why? Very simple actually, the Unity Band is a symbol of our Unity, regardless of Race, Religion or Creed. (This line makes me sick, you wanna unite, then let's all start..first remove race from the Identification Card, from the passport, from the whole education system, the banking system, the political system, basically, remove the bumiputera status, oh ya, remove them from all the application forms - schools, uni, jobs..everything!! then you talk about unite)
At the end of the day we are Malaysian. (This one, should be a constant mantra for the government) It’s red colour is symbolic of the colour of the blood that runs though our veins. It is what makes us unique, the fact that Malaysia is so culturally diverse, yet we can all come together and celebrate those differences together in a Unified way which shows our love for our country. (Can we stop hiding behind all these, can someone tell me who came up with this unity band crap??)
Have you been wondering the following;
1) where do I get the band
2) Most important...why now, all that palaver about the unity band..
Now baring in mind that this whole new rather "hypocritical" initiative is brought to you by the government. now, why am i so surprise...read the following of what i got, from all my searching of info from the web.
MIX FM;
Very soon we will all be celebrating an amazing milestone in our country’s history… 50 years of Independence! (I bet they meant, injustice Independence)
Let’s come together and unite for our homeland Malaysia. (So only now, after 50 years we are concern about unity??)
Get hold of the Unity Band and wear it proudly!
Why? Very simple actually, the Unity Band is a symbol of our Unity, regardless of Race, Religion or Creed. (This line makes me sick, you wanna unite, then let's all start..first remove race from the Identification Card, from the passport, from the whole education system, the banking system, the political system, basically, remove the bumiputera status, oh ya, remove them from all the application forms - schools, uni, jobs..everything!! then you talk about unite)
At the end of the day we are Malaysian. (This one, should be a constant mantra for the government) It’s red colour is symbolic of the colour of the blood that runs though our veins. It is what makes us unique, the fact that Malaysia is so culturally diverse, yet we can all come together and celebrate those differences together in a Unified way which shows our love for our country. (Can we stop hiding behind all these, can someone tell me who came up with this unity band crap??)
Sunday, November 11, 2007
My Short Skirt!
My Short Skirt is not an invitation
a provocation, an indication
that i want it or give it, or that i hook
My short skirt
is not begging for it
it does not want you to rip it off me
or pull it down
My short skirt is not a legal reason
for raping me although it has been before
it will not hold up in the new court
My short skirt, believe it or not
has nothing to do with you.
My short skirt
is about discovering the power of my lower calves
about coll autumn air travelling up my inner thighs
about allowing everything I see or pass or fell to live inside
My short skirt is not a proof that I am stupid or undecided or a malleable little girl
My short skirt is my defiance
I will not let you make me afraid
My short skirt is not showing off
this is who I am
before you made me cover it or tome it down,
get used to it.
My short skirt is happiness
I can feel myself on the ground
I am here and I am hot
My short skirt is a liberation flag in the women's army
I declare these street, any streets my vagina's country.
My short skirt is turquoise water with swimming colored fish
a summer festival in the stray dark
a bird calling, a train arriving in a foreign town
My short skirt is a wild spin
a full breath
a tango dip
my short skirt is initiation, appreciation, excitation
But mainly my short skirt and everything under it
is MINE, MINE and only MINE!!
-Vagina Monologue-
* this one is for the great politician with regards to the AirAsia uniform statement...really, if you have nothing to say, just don't bother saying anything...cause you end up making a great fool of yourselves..
a provocation, an indication
that i want it or give it, or that i hook
My short skirt
is not begging for it
it does not want you to rip it off me
or pull it down
My short skirt is not a legal reason
for raping me although it has been before
it will not hold up in the new court
My short skirt, believe it or not
has nothing to do with you.
My short skirt
is about discovering the power of my lower calves
about coll autumn air travelling up my inner thighs
about allowing everything I see or pass or fell to live inside
My short skirt is not a proof that I am stupid or undecided or a malleable little girl
My short skirt is my defiance
I will not let you make me afraid
My short skirt is not showing off
this is who I am
before you made me cover it or tome it down,
get used to it.
My short skirt is happiness
I can feel myself on the ground
I am here and I am hot
My short skirt is a liberation flag in the women's army
I declare these street, any streets my vagina's country.
My short skirt is turquoise water with swimming colored fish
a summer festival in the stray dark
a bird calling, a train arriving in a foreign town
My short skirt is a wild spin
a full breath
a tango dip
my short skirt is initiation, appreciation, excitation
But mainly my short skirt and everything under it
is MINE, MINE and only MINE!!
-Vagina Monologue-
* this one is for the great politician with regards to the AirAsia uniform statement...really, if you have nothing to say, just don't bother saying anything...cause you end up making a great fool of yourselves..
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Pest and Pain!!! why do you exist??
This is goona be a real short one...just have to venge my anger and frustration else where....if only they had a Hyde Park here, it would have been easier....I just don't know why people enjoy annoying and irritating others.....i sometimes wonder what pleasure they have...then again i wonder why i allow them to do this to me...really, you are so not worth my time...so go play far far coz you are not welcomed here....Guess if you wanna stick around, then I'm leaving....uuurrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It "Neverwas"...
This is dedicated to that one person who thinks I base my blogs on them and the conversations we have...thanks for being the spice in my life ;)
Review Summary
A man seeks to unlock the mysteries of his family's tragic past in this drama. Zach Riley (Aaron Eckhart) is a psychiatrist who has resigned a prestigious position at a major university to take a job at the Millwood Clinic, a private residential facility run by one Dr. Reed (William Hurt). Riley tells Reed he was inspired to come to Millwood by the case of a family friend who was a patient there years before, but what Riley doesn't mention is the person in question was his father, T.L. Pierson (Nick Nolte), a successful but reclusive children's author whose book "Neverwas" became a remarkable critical and popular success. For all his talent and success, Pierson was haunted by mental illness and drug addiction, and after leaving Millwood he committed suicide, with young Zach finding the body. Ever since, his mother (Jessica Lange) has been bitter and blamed Zach for Pierson's death, and he's come to Millbrook looking for answers and closure regarding his dad. While working with the patients at Millwood, Riley strikes up a friendship with Gabriel (Ian McKellen), a charming older man with a poor connection to reality who was friendly with Pierson when they were both in treatment there; Riley also renews his childhood friendship with Maggie Blake (Brittany Murphy), a Millwood intern who was powerfully affected by "Neverwas" when she was young. Neverwas is the first feature film from writer and director Joshua Michael Stern and certainly a darn good effort.
I recently watched this movie and I must added was simply amazing...if you are one of those who rather sit down and not use much of your thinking cap while watching movies.....then "Neverwas" will certainly be part of your never will list...But for those of you who loves to exercise their thinking caps, then this movie will give you more than just a 1.30 hours exercise..for me it was a life long realization...to what you may ask...read on and you will find out
From the review, I'm sure you pretty much got the gist of the movie..From my understanding it was about the book "Neverwas". The author (Pierson) of this best seller wrote this book while he was in rehab with the help of his friend, Gabriel. "Neverwas" is a kingdom while Gabriel is the King. Pierson said, before he died, that Zach (Pierson's son) will rescue Gabriel from here (the rehab) and send him back to his kingdom. I think I am confusing you, right?? well watch the movie....in short what I'm trying to say is that, people in the rehabs may not be psycho..they just believe all that others says...and from beliefs, it just becomes reality...just like Neverwas..Gabriel made all his beliefs from Pierson a reality while the whole world laugh at him....
coming to think about it...that's what we all tend to do...laugh at people's beliefs or faith and they end up thinking it is real...life is all SNAFU (situation normal, all fucked up)
Review Summary
A man seeks to unlock the mysteries of his family's tragic past in this drama. Zach Riley (Aaron Eckhart) is a psychiatrist who has resigned a prestigious position at a major university to take a job at the Millwood Clinic, a private residential facility run by one Dr. Reed (William Hurt). Riley tells Reed he was inspired to come to Millwood by the case of a family friend who was a patient there years before, but what Riley doesn't mention is the person in question was his father, T.L. Pierson (Nick Nolte), a successful but reclusive children's author whose book "Neverwas" became a remarkable critical and popular success. For all his talent and success, Pierson was haunted by mental illness and drug addiction, and after leaving Millwood he committed suicide, with young Zach finding the body. Ever since, his mother (Jessica Lange) has been bitter and blamed Zach for Pierson's death, and he's come to Millbrook looking for answers and closure regarding his dad. While working with the patients at Millwood, Riley strikes up a friendship with Gabriel (Ian McKellen), a charming older man with a poor connection to reality who was friendly with Pierson when they were both in treatment there; Riley also renews his childhood friendship with Maggie Blake (Brittany Murphy), a Millwood intern who was powerfully affected by "Neverwas" when she was young. Neverwas is the first feature film from writer and director Joshua Michael Stern and certainly a darn good effort.
I recently watched this movie and I must added was simply amazing...if you are one of those who rather sit down and not use much of your thinking cap while watching movies.....then "Neverwas" will certainly be part of your never will list...But for those of you who loves to exercise their thinking caps, then this movie will give you more than just a 1.30 hours exercise..for me it was a life long realization...to what you may ask...read on and you will find out
From the review, I'm sure you pretty much got the gist of the movie..From my understanding it was about the book "Neverwas". The author (Pierson) of this best seller wrote this book while he was in rehab with the help of his friend, Gabriel. "Neverwas" is a kingdom while Gabriel is the King. Pierson said, before he died, that Zach (Pierson's son) will rescue Gabriel from here (the rehab) and send him back to his kingdom. I think I am confusing you, right?? well watch the movie....in short what I'm trying to say is that, people in the rehabs may not be psycho..they just believe all that others says...and from beliefs, it just becomes reality...just like Neverwas..Gabriel made all his beliefs from Pierson a reality while the whole world laugh at him....
coming to think about it...that's what we all tend to do...laugh at people's beliefs or faith and they end up thinking it is real...life is all SNAFU (situation normal, all fucked up)
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